HEALTH AND SAFETY DIRECTIVE RE: SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS

HEALTH AND SAFETY DIRECTIVE RE SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS.

Please note that, any person whatsoever, having any form of sexual activity whilst NOT being the named holder of a certificate showing completion of the “Health and Safety course Ref:2014/B/1AC/SEX” as amended by section 24(ii) of the Local and Behavioural Acts 2014, shall be deemed to be committing a criminal offence against one or more of the following: The Town Police Clauses Act 1847 (as amended by S2(ib) of the Sexual offences Act 2013, Local Bye Laws, Commiting acts of a lewd and dangerous nature so as to offend common sensibility under the Common Law of England, and the civil tort of incurring unnecessary NHS expenses.

The Rules to be observed during safe sexual encounters as authorised to holders of the aforementioned certificate:

1. Goggles will be worn to protect the eyes at all times, to avoid being poked in the eye by any erect penis or turgid nipple.
2. No one without proper equipment (as designated in the Act and having the additional course sessions to allow and be trained in such use) is to mount a penis exceeding 6 inch in length for fear of falling off and so injuring themselves.
3. No more than 1 inch of penis, nipple or clit to be taken in the mouth, so as to avoid any danger of choking.
4. ALL handling of breasts, penises and any and all parts of the vagina and arse will only be done by suitably gloved fingers, to avoid any unnecessary scratches on delicate membranes.
5. Any outdoor sexual activity will only take place when shielded behind insect proof netting, and using a suitable ground sheet to protect against ALL insect bites and abrasive or prickly surfaces.
6. No one will indulge in any form of sexual activity beyond “light petting” without a current medical health card endorsed within the last three months by a Doctor stating that the holder is medically fit and of sound mind, so as to be able to withstand the physical and mental rigours of sexual activity.
7. To avoid any accidents, all sexual activity shall take place on the floor/ground or on a mattress (Not exceeding 6 inch in height) placed on the floor/ground, with an area surrounding the sexual activity that has been totally cleared to a distance of not less than 6 feet all round.
8. To avoid choking, oral sex will only be administered to persons who have shaved their genitalia.
9. The use of any chemicals or stimulants that might be considered harmful or injurious to the human flesh is strictly i*****l (E,g:- Hot wax, figging, urtication, use of ice, solvents, electricity etc).
10. No foodstuffs shall under any circumstances be used in any form of sexual activity, that way no one will suffer from allergies and/or anaphylactic shock.
11. To avoid any situation that could result in cramps, the participants in any sexual activity will not have eaten for at least one hour before the commencement of sexual activity.
12. A holder of a valid First Aid Certificate must always be in attendance during any form of sexual activity – this person must be an independent third party who is a mere safety observer and at no time is permitted to take part in the sexual activity and must remain at least 6 feet from such activity.
13. The positions adopted for sexual activity will only be those that you have been trained in: The respective “Sexual Position Training” course/courses to be endorsed on your Sexual Activity Certificate.
14. No one will indulge in any form of “Golden Showers” or “Water Sports” at the same time as sexual activity for fear of a drowning accident. (Please note, there are no courses to train for this kind of activity – it is simply too dangerous!)
15. The use of any oils, or other friction reducing substances is strictly banned – remember how many accidents banana skins caused!
16. All jewellery, hair clips, through the nose bones and piercings will be removed prior to the commencement of sexual activity.
17. There will be no biting, pulling of hair, slapping or giving of “love bites”, or any other such activity that could be construed as being injurious to human flesh.
18. No one is to indulge in sexual activity with someone who is not their own sexual partner, without written consent in triplicate from that person’s regular sexual activity partner. (Avoids a lot of fights and misunderstandings).

The above is purely designed to meet with the modern needs of wanting to be safe at all times, and is designed, if followed correctly, to put your mind at ease in the knowledge that you are a trained person doing a dangerous activity that you are now able to enjoy to the full. At the same time it is hoped to save the NHS millions of pounds by not having untrained persons injuring themselves during sexual activity.

Any breach of these rules shall be punishable by being deported to a country of your choice, that still allows public flogging, and there to be publicly flogged about the naked derrier.

Now, before ALL this becomes a reality in the big brother nanny state, get out there and fucking enjoy yourself. I am opposed to this Bill ever becoming Law!!!!